when you get what you need

I did exactly what I warn my clients against. I stepped into the place of when I get to __________ all will be good in the world. I put most of my eggs in my Hawaii basket. I had been getting all of these crazy, not so subtle, hit me over the head signs that I should go to Hawaii for the past year. And when my friend decided to move there and told me she had a place we could stay before she began work on a farm, I booked it. I planned the trip for months. We booked a trip to Kauai to explore together and I scheduled Breathwork events on both islands. And then I proceeded to work an insane amount the months leading up to. Letting Hawaii be my light at the end of the tunnel. Every time I felt overwhelmed I reminded myself I just had to get to Hawaii and I would sit on the beach and I would have time to read, and swim in the ocean...cleansing my energy, and I would breathe. I would breathe when I got to Hawaii.  

And then a hurricane hit. And I told myself, it’s gonna be fine. The Universe told me to go. It’s gonna work out. Until my friend called from Maui and said she advised against it. And I melted into a puddle on my floor. I think I cried for an hour straight. Not quiet little tears but big earth shaking sobs. I had taken all of this time off work. I had invested money. I had booked my flights though Kayak which meant it was going to be difficult to sort out because each leg of my trip was through a different agency. And during the more than 7 hours I spent on the phone arguing and on hold with said agencies, I was looking for somewhere to go. Somewhere that I could book this last minute, where I could bring my pup. And it was not looking promising. This hurricane was making off with my basket full of eggs. I felt devastated. 

I picked myself up off the floor, blew my nose, touched up my mascara and headed out of my house. I do a lot of praying in my car. It’s private. I have time to think. And as I was driving I said “Ok Universe… you told me to go to Hawaii. You sent me dozens of signs. You practically shoved me there. And I listened. And I worked hard and I made it happen. Now maybe the part of the Uni that sends me signs is not the same part of the Uni that controls the weather ( I actually said this). And, I continued, I’m going to trust that I’ll get there and find right timing for this trip because I know I'm supposed to go. But I have all this time off work right now, I REALLY need a vacation, and I need to catch a break. Can you just cut me a little slack?” Literally the next person I saw, who saw my puffy face and tiny tear stained eyes said that he would reach out to all of his family/friends who had cabins and beach houses and see if he could find me a spot. Within an hour I had a cabin to myself on Mt Hood for the week. I am so grateful to that person and his family. However, in that moment, it felt like a consolation prize. I had been trying at least to book a cabin somewhere I hadn’t been so I could have a new experience. But I decided I was going to enjoy myself no matter what and that I would be grateful for what I was so generously offered. I looked up hikes around the area and thought about what I’d do. I brought loads of books to read and color, my journal, my foam roller etc… 

And on that first day there, as I realized that I’d just been sitting on the porch staring into the forest for hours, I knew that I got exactly what I needed. I thought I needed to go to Hawaii and lead more workshops and have an adventure. But in this moment in my life, I really didn’t . What I did need was to lay on the ground, and sit in a chair on the porch, to feel the wind as it came through the trees, to listen to the birds, to be quiet. I absolutely read on my vacation, journaled, went for walks, meditated and practiced yoga. But for a lot of the time I just sat still. I laid on the Earth and in the sun, and when I got too warm I moved to the shade. I watched the deer eating breakfast in the yard. I spent all day outside and then I took a bath every night before turning in with a movie. I breathed deeply.  And I constantly questioned whether what I was doing in each moment was really what I wanted to be doing. And allowed myself to put down the book and just sit if I wanted; to have space. I scheduled the last tiny trailer (later to be upgraded to the most adorable cabin) at the Sou’wester for the last part of my vacation. I’d been there before (and LOVED it) and I knew that I could relax, wander along the beach, take a sauna and listen to the waves. I knew my trip wouldn’t feel complete without some time with the ocean. 

Whenever I sat down and wrote about what I wanted to get out of my trip to Hawaii, I mostly said I wanted to feel deeply nourished. And I’m sure in many ways I would have. What I didn’t realize was I needed the deep nourishment you get from real rest, from allowing yourself to just be. To sleep in, to move about your day following your joy with no agenda. Nowhere you need go. No need to explore new places or experience new things.

I know I’ll still go to Hawaii. After all, I spent 7+ hours securing my flight credits. I’m still very excited for that trip. I love adventures, and leading groups and seeing new places! And, I’m incredibly grateful that it fell through at this time. It’s so profoundly important to remember that sometimes when we stay open and listen; we don’t get what we want, we get what we need. 

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