2020 | Continuing to peel the onion and letting the pressure go....

*potentially triggering/trauma warning

Next week it will be two years since I was attacked by a stranger. 

I’ve been talking a lot about Dr. John Sarno’s work recently and how we carry emotions in our body. How our subconscious wants to protect us from our fear, our rage, our anger and so it creates physical pain for us to deal with rather than have us confront our trauma, resentments and strong emotions. This is often subconscious but it doesn’t mean we don’t have choice. These can be very small like the resentment that can build in our unconscious when we have to do things we don’t want to do, even if it’s for someone that we love. It can also be from big trauma. AND it can be from loads of extras, encounters, and dealings around our trauma. 

Every time I feel like I’ve dealt with this trauma and left it squarely in my past, another layer emerges. In doing my writing dumps I realized how much pain I have around the surrounding circumstances of my attack. How angry I felt at being let down by the system. That when my pain plateaued, insurance stopped paying leaving me with what I was left with. How I first saw a chiropractor that did not have me imaged and then months later saw multiple physicians and PT’s who were convinced my neck had been fractured.

The friends who didn’t show up or reach out, even though so many amazing people did. My own giant shadow around being a victim. My embarrassment around all of it still affecting me. When people would laugh or make seemingly harmless jokes around how jumpy I was. Even just hearing a text notification on someones phone could send me leaping out of my skin. My shame. My anger at myself for not fighting back harder. The dismissiveness of that first cop that I wasn’t shot or stabbed. The constant follow throughs to get a restraining order when my attacker came back a year later.

My hair is a constant reminder as I lost over a quarter of it in the attack and I have thin hair to begin with. All the money I’ve poured into supplements and shampoos, and treatments and my own vanity around that. Two years later and I’m just now starting to feel somewhat comfortable wearing it down. Though I usually still end up pulling it up or putting a hat on most days. Those close to me refer to my hats as my woobies; rightfully so. The overwhelming panic that shoots through my body when someone pulls my hair in a massage or when being intimate; things I used to enjoy. The hypervigillence I feel when I’m walking down the street or feel exposed. The way I freeze when I feel like I see them in a crowd. How it’s completely altered my ability to trust in strangers. And how angry that makes me that they took that from me. How I compare my attack to others and judge myself on how I should feel, where I should be in my process, wanting to let it go. 

How many times I had to go back to court. The cameras I had to install at my old house. The mace I carry on my keychain. 

It’s all a part of me now. Carefully stored away in my tissues. It’s all there for me to unpack. To acknowledge and to heal. We often just think about it as this one moment. This one thing that happened. Those minutes that felt like an eternity.  Or those years that finally culminated in the end of a relationship. Or the quiet resentment that built. But they create a domino effect and those dominoes continue to fall for as long as they do. We have to trust in our own process and our own timing while looking at it all from a safe space… taking manageable bites. 

Whatever your pain, trauma, limiting belief, default setting, heartbreak looks like… what are the surrounding elements that carry their own weight. Where do you feel you’re lacking support, were let down… what are the extras. Can we look at the forest and not just the tree. Can we acknowledge all the tiny things that add up along the way. 

And can we trust in right timing. We don’t need to feel ANY pressure as we head into a new year and a new decade. We can enjoy the fresh energy but we don’t need to let it all go right now. We don’t need a clean slate (it’s impossible to do so). We don’t need to have all the answers. Or the perfectly crafted resolution list. We just need to keep showing up for ourselves and committing to our evolution. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and honoring our needs. 

And can we be gentle as we love ourself through it all. 

But we have to look. In facing our truth and keeping our eyes and our hearts open we heal. In seeing we become free. 

+ Read about my favorite tools for deconditioning here.